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Monday, 30 August 2010

Beige - The Sequel: Chums Trousers And The Art Of Sexing Up A Saddo Shade

Yesterday I chanced upon a copy of The Daily Mail - discarded by Mr Bonkers' mother's neighbour (are you by any chance sensing that I wish to put some 'clear blue water' between myself and the source of this publication?). At the back was an ad for Chums trousers, which are described not only as "the ultimate comfort trouser" thanks to their elasticated waistband, but also as affording "at least 2" of extra growing room". Given that the average age of their target customer is probably the wrong side of 50, I am concerned that these men feel that it is appropriate for someone of their age to grow further. I have already had words with Mr Bonkers about this very matter - or rather his allegation that various garments of his have "shrunk" in the wash - which, as any careful laundry fairy knows, amounts to the same thing.

And of nearly as much concern is the fact that these elasticated trousers come in a beige colourway which the manufacturers are attempting to sex up by calling it "sand". Beaches all over Europe are receding with shame at such an association. Fashion-conscious holidaymakers are rejecting bucket and spade holidays in their droves in favour of Center Parcs and mini-breaks in major conurbations.

De-friend Chums without delay! Or if you really must buy some relaxed fit trousers any time soon, at least go for the lovat or navy instead.


Image scanned from The Daily Mail small ads

14 comments:

  1. LOL! I remember reading someone's idea once that the obesity epidemic of our times is the direct result of stretchy pants. It makes sense. Before stretch materials and waist bands existed, people were reminded that they were gaining a little too much when they dressed, and modified their eating appropriately. Also, letting out the waists of pants was a greater inconvenience, and so we were more careful to maintain our weights. I write this oh course while wearing stretch-wool blend trousers.

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  2. Those pants are so awful! Okay, not fair to say...they're very practical for people with arthritically crippled hands who can't manage the button hole, or for those adults who need to start wearing absorbent diapers.

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  3. So I guess you won't be purchasing any of these, haha?
    Interesting point, kjanicki. I write this comment while wearing Spanx, oh dear.

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  4. Hi kjanicki,

    I do agree that for people in robust health stretchy waistbands are a slippery slope to complete self-abandon. Now, as for your "stretch-wool blend trousers", I am sure these are an altogether different proposition not involving elastication per se, but just a teensy bit of "give" in the fabric overall.

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  5. Hi lovethescents,

    You are quite right to point out that there are medical exceptions to the above rule. Pregnant women should also be cut some slack (slacks)...

    : - )

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  6. Spanx are a gift from the gods.
    I'm not this fanatical, but to quote from my favourite Steel Magnolias:

    Truvy: Well, these thighs haven't gone out of the house without lycra on them sice I was 14.
    Clairee: You were brought up right.

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  7. Hi kjanicki,

    That was a good film! Up there with Fried Green Tomatoes.

    Our own makeover maestro, Gok Wan, is a big fan of "Magic Knickers". My own view is that they should be used sparingly with specific challenging outfits, not least out of deference to one's vital organs!

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  8. Hi EauMG,

    I am sure your Spanx-sporting is situation-specific...

    : - )

    Unlike some of our mothers, who were swaddled in girdles on a daily basis!

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  9. Feeling a bit bloated and chubby myself today, I rather get why they call them Chums. Who among us has not at times wished for two inches of 'friendship?'

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  10. The kindness of pants, perhaps?

    I must say that any outfit involving clingy jersey necessitates Spanx for me. By jingo you dont half feel better with them on! I know I should be doing 'core exercises' to make the muscles work, but I'm way too indolent for anything like that.

    Big bought a pair shorts by mistake that have exactly the kind of waistband you describe and he refused to take them back for an exchange, saying they were his official Xmas Day shorts. Come to think of it, they're beige, too! Oh dear Lord, it can't be long before the Foot Muff and the Stannah Stairlift enter my life!

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  11. Hi Josephine,

    I am great "friends" with my tracksuit bottoms, come to think of it. More for watching TV than joggging in, it must be said...

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  12. Hi Wordbird,

    Oh my goodness yes, I agree on the clingy jersey. I have some shocking photos of me in a bridesmaid dress in just such a fabric, back in the days when thong-type foundation garments were the sole preserve of lap dancers.

    And having just conducting a quick inventory of Mr Bonkers' shorts drawer, I can confirm that three of the six pairs are of the elasticated waist variety. Nothing in beige, though!

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  13. I see now what you meant by sand. :) Oh god. They have ruined my perfect colour term.

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  14. Ines, I do apologise - I promise to cover up this post up with a new one shortly!

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