Becalmed, bemused, and beset by doubts: a belated Bonkers bulletin

 

I have been blitzing my Christmas cards this week, and while writing them I re-read a handful from last year where the sender had included a long message on the card or in a separate letter. Two of these friends - neither of them perfume lovers, or even wearers for all I know - urged me to carry on with the blog: one said they enjoyed the French travelogues in particular, and another that it was a good way to keep in touch with my news. Then last week I also caught up with a long lost fellow student from my university days, who revealed that he had also been reading Bonkers, pretty much from start to finish(!), while conceding that he skimmed over the posts that were overly perfume-y in their focus, which - mercifully for his sake - is most of them. I was still extremely impressed (and flattered) by his tenacity to work his way through 16 years' worth of output, however cursorily here and there. 

During my absence from the blogosphere I have still had many conversations with friends - and strangers! - about scent, and about smells more generally. My hairdresser turned out to have tried a couple of Byredo dupes in T K Maxx (Safran Noir and Mystique by Milestone Perfumes), while a checkout lady at Home Bargains enlisted my help to identify the source of a nasty plastic smell, inviting me to sniff the pile of 30p bags for life by her till. "I don't think it's coming from these", she mused, "I bet it's from these dearer thicker ones I keep under the counter. The smell must be wafting up..." "Oh yes, smell this", she added, thrusting a boxy plastic tote in my face. Well, I couldn't smell anything untoward, and was awestruck at the keenness of her nose.

All of the above reminded me that I haven't posted anything since April, and got me wondering why. But first, on a side note, I am still using that Effaclar Duo spot zapper cream that features in my last post - on two impudent red bumps on my chin currently - and very good stuff it is too.

I think the first reason for my silence is that I said to myself that if I parked the blog, I would have more time to devote to travel writing, which was something I have always felt more qualified to do than posting about perfume. I had long given up the idea of a book with a narrative arc, so was thinking more along the lines of a collection of pieces drawn from my travels to the house in France, or my adventures on work trips, or on tours with the band. Sorry to say that I have probably spent about half a day in total on sorting out some material to include(!). Probably about 10,000 words' worth, but that is not much to show for an eight month hiatus.

 

 

Another reason - though this only applies to the last two months - has been my grief at the loss of Truffle. For readers who are not in contact with me on Facebook or Instagram where I announced this news, she was hit by some kind of vehicle back in September, possibly by an electric scooter or bike that was riding on the pavement, as she was very "car aware". I'll never know, but due to her catastrophic injuries I had to instruct the vet to put her to sleep over the phone, as I was in France when this happened. I felt terrible that I hadn't been at home at the time, and with Truffle at the end, but on the other hand due to my pathological blood phobia it was perhaps for the best that I wasn't there, and that her heroic cat feeder dealt on the ground with the whole tragic business. 

A third reason is my feeling conflicted lately about the direction the perfume market is going in: on the one hand, there seems to have been a major hike in the prices of niche and designer brands lately - which may well be for justifiable reasons, but this isn't obvious to the consumer. Meanwhile, at the other end of the scale there has been an explosion in dupe companies, possibly profiting from customers' unwillingness or inability to shell out over a ton sometimes for 50ml - I remember when that size of bottle cost more like £60. The erosion of market share brought about by these copycat scents may in turn force the established brands to recoup their losses by upping their prices even further. I do understand how the brands feel betrayed, but I am also uncomfortable about the unaffordability of fragrance these days for those on a modest income. It's a conundrum. Travel sizes / purse sprays are certainly a helpful solution in those circumstances, though they are not always available, or not singly. And apart from this head to head battle, there is my ongoing gripe about the proliferation of new (supposedly niche) brands, keen to jump on the bandwagon of what is still a high margin product, but failing to produce scents of true quality. I don't doubt that there are interesting, mould-breaking brands tucked away somewhere in the tsunami of new launches, but I simply don't have the strength to winnow the chaff and find them. I still enjoy wearing perfume, but - perhaps unfairly - have zoned out to the myriad new kids on the block.

 

A fourth reason is the rise of Chat GPT!, and the realisation that it could eventually make me redundant. Don't laugh, but I asked it to write a perfume review in the manner of Bonkers about Perfume, and in about three zillionths of a second it came up with something eerily close to my house style. It had a gratifying amount of alliteration in the title, hehe, of which I can only recall "Vexatious Vetiver" - unfortunately the original seems to have disappeared. I asked it to have another go, and it answered:

 "Here's a fresh one for you - a perfume review in the style of Bonkers about Perfume (warm, chatty, slightly rambling, gently self-mocking, with domestic asides and an amused tone)."

Why, that's me to a "t"! Or how I aspire to be. This new content was also scarily similar to a Bonkers post, and entitled: "Review: Moonlit Tea and Crumpled Linen by La Maison Imaginaire". Does Chat GPT realise that that is almost the name of an actual brand? I might post a couple of them sometime - it is astonishing that a piece that might take me several hours to write can be spewed out at the speed of light.

Then there's the fifth reason, which I am not happy about and trying most vigorously to bat away, namely the niggling worry that applying perfume on skin may have some cumulatively harmful effects in the body. I don't know which ones or how much, or after how many years of wearing - if at all! - but there is so much on social media at the moment about the dangers of UPFs, and microplastics, and pesticides on fruit and veg, and environmental pollutants in our water and air, that after a while the fear starts to seep in and make you start to doubt the perfumes you know and love. I am aware that fragrances have had to be reformulated because of carcinogenic concerns hanging over a particular ingredient in a particular combination / quantity, so there must be a grain of truth in it. "So are vintage perfumes less safe then?", my runaway imagination inquired. I am categorically not one of those "Ooh, it's made of chemicals, I shan't touch that" kind of people, but I know that aromachemicals can end up in adipose tissue, the liver and kidneys, and my kidney function has fallen quite sharply in recent years. That may be pure coincidence - correlation is not causation! - and due to something else entirely, but I don't want to put my kidneys under any more strain than I do already by asking them to process the likes of crisps, cheese and ham in my diet.

So there you have it...five reasons for my blog resembling the Marie Celeste. I am not sure where I go from here, or what angle to pursue, if I pursue any at all. I shan't start vlogging, which I know is becoming a key way people "consume" their perfume reviews these days. It's the equivalent of voice notes on WhatsApp, you could say. Some of these videos can be quite long, with unboxings and preambles and whatnot, and you have to watch the whole thing to get to the crux of whether the reviewer actually liked the scent or not - you can't quickly scroll through to get to the key points. But writing generally seems to be on the wane, which may be another reason (No 6!) why I feel Bonkers about Perfume in its present format may have almost run its course.

On the plus side, I have read 61 books so far this year ;), which I may share with readers as I did back in January. So there may be a flutter of life in the old blog yet...

Where are you with your love of perfume? Is it still tiggerish and burning bright, or has your mojo slowed, or even hit the buffers?

 

One last Truffle pic...

 

Jeff & Co (Jeff Banks) women's perfume dupes at Home Bargains, and how I couldn't resist Temptation...

I am a regular shopper in the discount chain Home Bargains, much as I am in B & M, which is a similar cheap and cheerful purveyor of just about anything short of a full food shop. Home Bargains is my go-to destination for cheap firewood, Poppets, rhubarb yoghurt, cat soup, and kitchen towel (which regular readers know is of the utmost importance to me). On any given visit where I am typically going in for just one thing, I will of course come out with armfuls of items I never knew I needed. But as the whole lot will have been unbelievably cheap - and I will of course need more Elastoplast, paracetamol, washing up sponges, and turmeric glucosamine chondroitin supplements in the fullness of time, it really doesn't matter.

And thus it was that I went to Home Bargains yesterday looking for a specific gauge and style of interdental floss picks, and came out with mini Easter eggs to restock my mock Faberge egg (as you do) and a hand of bananas, no floss sticks, and a chunky bottle of perfume by Jeff & Co, called Blush. It is a whopping 90ml for £4.99, and there are three other scents in the range: Lush and Seductive (also in pink bottles), and Temptation, in a less girly mauve-y grey / taupe one. Why three of the four should be in pink packaging beats me. Okay, so Lush could be described as more of a beige colour, but they are still all quite similar. It had clearly confused the punters, as the two definite pinks, Blush and Seductive, were mixed up together in the decidedly basic(!) cardboard display tray. I sorted them out again and told a passing sales assistant that I had done that, plus an instinctive spot of "facing up", for which she thanked me.

I should mention that this wasn't a random encounter with the brand: I had seen a feature about them in The Sun - on social media, I hasten to add - which claimed that they were all dupes of well known designer perfumes, namely:

Blush ~ Miss Dior

Lush - Armani Si

Seductive - Givenchy L'Interdit

Temptation - Tom Ford Black Orchid

It has been a while since I got really curious about a new bargain basement range of perfumes - the last time was probably a set of Acqua di Parma knock offs in Aldi, but neither store in my town carried those, so I never did get to try them. I was especially intrigued by the thought of a Black Orchid smell-alike, which is what propelled me to seek the Jeff & Co range out. The fragrances are made in Turkey, I note, which adds a bit of exoticism to their provenance.

Another key thing to mention is the fact that these perfumes have no boxes, so every bottle on the fixture is a potential tester, haha. I think the store should have designated one bottle of each fragrance to be a tester, with a label on it, so it is clearly identifiable. However, given the vast quantity in each, and the price, no prospective customer could possibly mind the fact that 25 other people might have had a spray or several from their bottle already. ;)

A word on the packaging next, whose squareness and squatness reminded me of the Maison Kurkdjian range, but in an opaque version. I am sure Francis wouldn't thank me for the comparison. I am not a fan of opaque bottles, as you know - to the point of including them in my "Scent Crimes Series" - but I will let that pass. I have more of a beef these days with their weight and chunkiness, making them hard to lift and spray from, while the sharp edges dig into my arthritic fingers. I am sure that will prove to be a minor issue, however, amongst the intended target market of much younger women than me(!). But it is definitely a tricky business to wrap your hand round the bottle and operate the nozzle, or I find it so.

Before I get down to what I thought of these scents, I must just tell you about a YouTube video, in which the vlogger describes all four perfumes as "nice". Nothing more, just nice. I have never considered myself a proper reviewer , but maybe there is hope for me yet.

And what of Jeff Banks, I hear you ask? Well, when I first heard the name, my first thought was that that was an unexpected venture from a goalie, before quickly realising that that was Gordon Banks. Here is a bit about the correct Banks from Wikipedia:

"Jeff Banks CBE PPCSD (born Jeffrey Tatham-Banks, 17 March 1943) is a Welsh fashion designer of men's and women's clothing, jewellery, and home furnishings. Born in Ebbw Vale, Wales, Banks co-founded the fashion chain Warehouse in the late 1970s. He later created and presented the television programme The Clothes Show, broadcast on BBC One from 1986 to 2000."

I never knew he was born a Tatham-Banks! That would be quite a mouthful to put on the side of even these generously-sized bottles. I think I once owned an item of crockery by him, or some dinner mats, but I can't remember what exactly. He is over 80 now I see, and still coming up with line extensions, so fair play to him. I am sure he can't need the money, so perhaps the launch of this bargain range of fragrances is part philanthropic venture.

By Chris Phutully from Australia

Finally, on to what they smell like...

Seductive - I honestly couldn't really smell this, it was so faint. If it is like Givenchy L'Interdit, which I haven't tried for years, it will be in homeopathic proportions.

Lush - also very faint. I thought I could just catch a whiff of blackcurrant, which would be consistent with its being a dupe of Armani Si, but it was a bit elusive.

Temptation - this was much more detectable. On the first pass, I thought Temptation was like a disagreeable sort of mentholated blackcurrant sweet. I was also reminded of my description of YSL Parisienne as "disgruntled purple talc". Oh, look at that post I have linked to - the bottles of The Social parfum are also hard plastic and partly pink!

Blush - my nose registered this one okay: it was a pretty, girlish summer floral (woody musk) that reminded me of Hugo Boss Femme. I haven't tested Miss Dior either in forever, but I could well believe it was a copy of that, having looked at the notes, even though it was Femme I thought of off the bat. Femme being a mainstream fragrance I cut my newbie teeth on at the start of this hobby, so it holds a special place in my memory, if not in my collection anymore. We are not privy to the notes of Blush, but I think I picked up lily-of-the valley in there, as per Miss Dior, and the general atmosphere of the composition is light and sherbety and innocent. And yes I  know, wildly ironic for someone not far off the state pension. I walked out with Blush all the same, because I hadn't got past Temptation's cough sweet opening, and was so excited that I could actually smell it compared to its pink stablemates.

NB Maybe the secret is simply to spray a shedload more than I usually do - goodness knows there is enough juice to allow for extravagant application!

Soon the base of clean musk ramps up a bit in Blush, on which I am less keen, albeit I am hyperosmic to musks. The powderiness has echoes of Cartier's Baiser Volé, though it is more to the fore in that scent. Blush still retains its "pretty" vibe, which I fully admit is not much of an improvement on "nice". 

I went home, but the comparison of Temptation to Black Orchid continued to niggle away at my brain. I quite like Black Orchid and admire its quirkiness, and hey...£4.99! I remembered there being only one bottle left of it too, so a couple of hours later I found myself back in Home Bargains, where I succumbed to Temptation, and also scored a bumper pack of loo roll and three caramel Kit-Kats.

And I am glad I did, because after the strange cough sweet and licorice-like opening, Temptation turned out to be a lot less weird and medicinal; now it was reminiscent of Calvin Klein Euphoria or indeed Black Orchid - both scents share an almost sickly, sultry quality, and there's a darkness to them both. But it is all very attenuated in Temptation, which is only to be expected I guess from such a budget scent, though these are stated as being edp strength. All in all, I don't regret my purchases, and half wondered if Temptation in particular might become a cult item one day and fetch a load of money on eBay, hehe.

And I am sorry I didn't spray more of Lush and Seductive on myself in store, even if that might have raised an eyebrow amongst the staff. They may well have turned out to be good dupes of the Armani and Givenchy, if only I had saturated my arm in them.

As for lasting power, it is hard to say as I may not have sprayed enough to start with, so do not take my word for it. Blush is still going after six hours, while Temptation is more of a gentle murmur. If you wanted a scent that lasted all day, it wouldn't really be practical though to carry these weighty bottles around with you to reapply at intervals.

In conclusion, if you live anywhere within range of a Home Bargains, do have a spray of these, then spray some more to make sure, and report back! Remember, every bottle is a tester... ;)