Sunday, 9 May 2010

Avon Anew Ultimate Day Cream - When Things Go Bump In The Night...!

Back in November, I reviewed a moisturiser with Cher-style claims - as in "hold back time" generally, not as in "remodel your nose in a specific, near vertical ski slope kind of a way". The product in question was Avon Anew Ultimate Day Cream. Not a perfume, obviously, but in addition to an unpleasant taste, it had a strange "burnt flesh" scent, doubtless linked to its instant and unnerving efficacy.

"I spread some over my top lip, which was immediately yanked upwards into a bee-stung sneer."

I had not used this cream since last November, mostly because of the taste and smell issues, for it interfered with my chain tea drinking habit during the day. I was also concerned that the cream could cause my top lip to develop an offensive truculence without warning.

However, I couldn't quite forget the cream's claims to "restore the look of natural volume and cushion (sic)" in three days, so on a whim on Friday night, I decided to flout the instructions on the pot and apply it at NIGHT instead of by day.

On Saturday morning I noticed that the drag lines above my top lip had indeed been "visibly reduced", as the saying goes, at least provisionally. That area looked plumper and the contour of my lip was slightly swollen, though not in a strange way at this point.

Then this morning, after a second overnight trial, I woke up to find I had acquired a surly overbite worthy of Marge Simpson. The skin above my mouth looked smoother, but my whole top lip had been pushed down and out and if anything looked a little thinner overall, instead of fuller.

This evening, the lines are back and the top lip looks less protuberant, thank goodness. It may be that the complete, cumulative effect requires at least three days to work, but I am not sure if I am brave enough to try the cream a third night running. I have a business meeting tomorrow and don't want to appear needlessly pugnacious or otherwise bizarre.

I wouldn't be surprised if, after using this product every day for a fortnight, you turned into Courtney Love. Leslie Ash is probably just a week away.

(Photo of Leslie Ash is from StarkGossip Blog.)


Carol said...


Carol said...

btw, my laugh was for the photo of Courtney, not for your pain!

Vanessa said...

Well, that is actually a photo of Leslie, but the family resemblance is striking (post procedure, certainly!) : - )

Carol said...

I had to google her - she was in Quadrophenia!? HAVE to put that movie on my Netflix queue as I havent seen it since it first came out.

Vanessa said...

She was also in Men Behaving Badly, in case you get that on cable somewhere?

Tommasina said...

It's quite ghastly what that girl's done to herself. WHY?

*shakes head*

Vanessa said...

Bee stung lips have become de rigueur in celebrity circles, I fear. Me, I lean more towards Zoe Wanamaker contours, but sometimes you have to accept the hand of genes you have been dealt...