Sunday, 15 June 2014

'Not a perfume': duping the doctor with suggestive spray vials

An actual perfume sample for illustrative purposes! 
Topic advisory: readers of a squeamish disposition may wish to skip this post!

This is not the first time that I have written about medical matters on Bonkers.  The other post concerned my chat with a surgeon while on the operating table having a mole removed, entitled: 'Grosjman on the gurney: perfume conversations you never thought you'd have'.  Fast forward four years and I am in the throes of some other medical investigations - to date mostly in the form of blood tests and the odd scan, though the deployment of probes, cameras and an assortment of other pointy implements cannot be excluded down the line.

Last Monday I had a review of my latest blood results with the doctor, and this time I also had to bring in an...ahem...'specimen'.  The request had been made over the phone a few days previously, so I was not in possession of an official receptacle, and looked around the house to see what I could improvise. It didn't take many minutes to conclude that a 5ml perfume atomiser might be the vessel of choice.

After the customary forty minute wait to see the doctor, I handed the vial over to her with a flourish. She held it aloft and examined it closely, before remarking: 'Well, in all my career that is the most unorthodox container I have ever seen someone use for the purpose!' Then she clocked the atomiser mechanism and exclaimed: 'Ooh, how handy - I can just spray straight onto the card'. Before I knew it - in this parallel universe of the consulting room - the doctor was spritzing a strip of litmus paper to perform a pH test on my specimen, for all the world like a cheery sales assistant prepping a fragrance blotter. It may have been accidental, but one end of the test strip was even bent at an angle, just like the blotters used by pro noses.

'That seems all right', she announced. 'I say, the colour reminds me of...oh, you know...'

'Chanel No 5?' I proffered helpfully.

'Yes, exactly!  Or something like that. Hmm...I could play a fun trick on my colleagues with this, but I will resist the urge.'

There was a moment's pause, while she made some notes, before looking up and inquiring: 'Oh, you don't want it back, do you?' 



Anonymous said...

You don't want it back????? You should think about offering "it" to Etat Libre d'Orange ("Yellow Shower").
Now, Chanel No. 5 will always be linked to your crazy story, always!
Have a nice and doctor free start in the week & all the best

Asali said...

I can't think of anyone else in perfumeland who'd come up with such an idea, let alone post about it. Great that you do :-D I'm sure (doctor's confidentiality and all) that she's telling this story to her doctor friends.

Vanessa said...

Hi Anka,

You are spot on - this would be right up ELDO's alley, haha. And if I had had the presence of mind, I could have got chatting to the doctor about the Blood Concept line. ;)

Strangely, I don't appear to have any Chanel No 5 in the house, so Diptyque had to step into the breach to model a scent approximately the colour of 'pale straw'.

Vanessa said...

Hi Asali,

I did hum and ha for some time before posting this, because the subject matter is a little 'out there', it's true, but I figured the topic advisory would give people fair warning. I was also emboldened by Portia's random posting on APJ of a video for a Villeroy & Boch toilet. Which I lapped up, as you can imagine. Oh, I may just rephrase that. ;)

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Diptyque - I consider buying a bottle of Eau Duelle but have only so far tested the wonderful EdP. Have you tried the EdT and which one would you recommend?

Vanessa said...

I have a bottle of the EdT and must confess I didn't even know there was an EdP, though my latest purchase of Volutes (also EdT) has two versions, so I am just not up to speed on the EdP for Eau Duelle. Yes, I can only say I love the EdT! PM me if you would like me to send you a sample?

Vanessa said...

It just occurred to me that Volutes is quite markedly different in the EdT and EdP versions - so I wonder if that will prove to be so with Eau Duelle, rather than it just being a question of strength / intensity? Perhaps someone else knows both and can chime in?

Carol said...

Dear Bonks - although a pee test is a serious thing, I really couldn't stop laughing! Thinking of you. xox

Vanessa said...

Hi Carol,

Thanks - I must say it was the most lighthearted moment I have had lately. ;) xx

Anonymous said...

Hannah says she does´t know what the big deal is since most of my perfumes smell like pee anyway. . CQ

Vanessa said...

Hi CQ,

Haha! I have encountered a few perfumes like that in my time - I remember describing Balmain Ivoire's later stages as 'urinous saddles' though that may have been harsh. ;)

SallyM said...

This takes Peety to a whole new level...

Positive thoughts for your med stuff :-)

Odiferess said...

You could repeat this exercise if anybody wants to try MFK's Absolu Pour le Soir. There do seem seem to be a few pee notes abounding in perfume land at the moment. My beloved Ma Griffe sample carries a slight tinge at the outset.
I wonder if your nurse has sterilised and re-used the atomiser?

Vanessa said...

Hi Sally,

Haha! Thanks for the good wishes - the megadose iron tablets I have been prescribed are a good start. ;)

Vanessa said...

Hi Odiferess,

Eugh - I might give those a miss, hehe. Funnily enough, I was wearing the pretty linden scent, Apaisant, from the Aroma Allegoria range, and blow me if it didn't go all urinous on me in the drydown - right on cue, you could say!

Anonymous said...

I just caught my breath from the hysterical laughter that started approximately 5 seconds into reading this. I'm so sorry that you're going through tests and scans and whatnot, but grateful to you for sharing the absurdities with us! I hope they come up with an answer soon.

Vanessa said...

Hi Natalie,

Glad it raised a laugh! I sense it might take a while to get to the bottom of my various symptoms - which may in fact be related - however, after just a week I am starting to feel a bit more energetic on the iron tablets already.