New Wikio Blog Ranking: Because Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Searchbot

Some readers may have spotted the newest addition to this site, a red badge from Wikio, the information portal, listing me as No 44 in their Beauty Blog rankings. I decided to display it not because 44 is a particularly impressive ranking - but rather because it is any ranking at all in a category with which I perceive myself as having a very tenuous affinity. The only post I can remember writing about cosmetics, Mouldy Old Kohl And Broken Bits Of Blusher, didn't exactly present my make up bag in an optimum light...

Now I think about it some more, I also wrote a couple of posts about an Avon face cream, and one about a Chanel nail polish - or about wanting to have it rather than the actual item itself. And along the way there has definitely been something on a Mitchum anti-perspirant and Label M's hair souffle, but that is about the extent of it as far as I can recall, out of nearly 200 posts now. And the latter two aren't really about beauty so much as avoiding the twin personal grooming crimes of unsanitariness and untitivated hair. So I am quietly fascinated by this whole web crawling business, with its armies of industrious software spiders, scurrying in all directions to forage for billions of cyber titbits.

Now it should be remembered that these searchbots are by definition a bit robotic: just for fun I googled "Wikio badge", and got a site called "Behind the Badge". Ah, I thought, a whole blog devoted to decoding the algorithm behind Wikio categories and rankings. But no...it was a blog that offers its readers "General rambling from the perspective of your friendly neighborhood former policeman".

So, bearing in mind the vagaries of web crawling, I couldn't resist taking a peek at my listing under Beauty on Wikio and found that I do in fact cover the following topics:

LIFESTYLE FASHION LINGERIE AGENT PROVOCATEUR FRAGRANCES WOMEN'S FRAGRANCES FASHION DESIGNERS

Why, this is is a revelation to me! I didn't know that I wrote about "Lifestyle" particularly. Well, maybe my own lifestyle, which - when I am not burning rubber on foreign freeways - mostly consists of sitting about in my pyjamas a lot. Could that in fact be what they mean by the third heading, "lingerie"? Thinking of the fleecy M & S pair I am sporting at the moment, that might be a bit of a stretch. And I don't believe I wrote about actual underwear lately. Hmm, might there have been a teeny reference to a satin teddy in a post about Natori? Or was it Stella Nude? Just checked...it was Natori, silk, and the simile in question was not necessarily my own - says she, quickly trying to shimmy off all suggestion of responsibility for louche lingerie allusions.

Hold on, though - these headings are in fact hyperlinks to the selection of posts containing material on each topic. So the lingerie one is based on my recent post about L'Air de Rien (okay, I did utter the words "carnal filth", but no lingerie per se was mentioned. More a scenario where lingerie could have been worn, at least initially).

Then the next post was this one about my nightly ritual of wearing Agent Provocateur to bed. Which does involve pyjamas at least! But again, not lingerie in the sense I understand it. And my regular application of Agent Provocateur was prompted by a desire to quantify the number of wearings in a 4ml mini rather than an attempt to create a boudoir ambience.

And finally, the third post mentioned concerned an Estee Lauder mini of Pure White Linen that went bad during the heatwave last June. I used the word "Impure" in the title, but didn't mean to connote any kind of lewdness or conduct involving scanty clothing. What is slightly concerning is that I wrote that post ages ago, yet it is one of the most popular posts from the past 30 days, suggesting a lot of people might have read it, unless they were shocked by the title and clicked away sharpish!

Hmm, I may have spoken too soon...I just clicked on LIFESTYLE to see what exactly Wikio was classifying there, and on Page 2 up popped titles including the phrases "embrace your inner nymph(o)," "sultry sweetness" and "the dirty half dozen". No wonder they think lingerie is mixed up in all this! On the basis of those saucy spoils from the searchbots, my back catalogue sounds like pure, unadulterated smut - or do I mean impure, adulterated smut?

But at least I am living up to my categories. If you think a Lingerie-Wearing Lifestyle one belongs in Beauty in the first place, that is. Well, the nicer stuff might do. Not those grey and forgiving big pants (known euphemistically as "full briefs") which you hang on to just in case you ever need to wear a very poor quality of pants one day for some reason (though the particular circumstances in which this need might arise are never made clear). So yes, there is a chance that visitors may find Bonkers too lingerie-focused, too racy altogether, which is a possibility I had never entertained.

I bet some of you are wondering why I didn't register my blog under the Perfume section instead of Beauty, because there clearly is one - I know a few highly ranked bloggers with badges to that effect. Well, I actually registered Bonkers under "General" blogs, as I couldn't spot a category for Perfume in the drop down menu at the time I joined - or not on the UK Wikio site, or whichever one it was. Maybe I should have clicked on "No Specialisation" and then typed "Perfume" into the comments box below, the way you do with those "Unlisted Brand" and "2Grrls" options in Makeupalley. And where on earth did they get "2Grrls" from, anyway? But as things stand on Wikio, I don't believe you can "port" your blog across to another category.

Now in General blogs I am currently 3396! Out of how many, goodness knows. That level of ranking is considerably less to write home about than on the Beauty side of things, but at least I can confidently describe myself as "general". I don't think you need to have a broad spread of topics to qualify, but if you do, I obviously have a foot in several thematic camps already. My own belief is that General is entirely made up of lost speciality blogs like me. So I probably fit right in.

So the only question left is which of the remaining categories Bonkers about Perfume might fetch up in next. I think I could make a case for Cars motoring (sic), Knitting, and Wine and beer, but Parenting seems like a long shot, ditto Law, Economy, and Religion and Belief. I don't see a category for Humour, come to think of it, so if the bots get to read this and are not amused, there is always a chance they might boot me and my Beauty badge off the site altogether...


Photo of make up from inetgiant.co.uk, photo of police badge from Wikimedia Commons, photo of pyjamas from letsbuyit.co.uk, photo of searchbot from seoyourblog.com

Mouldy Old Kohl And Broken Bits Of Blusher: The Shameful Secrets Of My Bonkers Make Up Bag

My preoccupation with perfume storage has been comprehensively documented on this blog - I have devoted several posts to the subject, for example here and here, and am constantly agitating about the Heath Robinson ecosystem I have devised using a set of drawers and a beer chiller. The latter is packed to the gunnels and wetter than it should be; indeed I am seriously considering removing all the bottles from their boxes some time soon, to maximise space and also as an urgently needed anti-warp measure.

So you could be forgiven for thinking that I am equally vigilant when it comes to looking after my equally bulging collection of cosmetics - for after all, make up and scent have equal status in the female beauty armoury. Not so. I am sorry to report that my cosmetics suffer from wanton neglect at my hands, and a recent casualty has pulled me up short and made me resolve to mend my abusive ways.

For the other day I discovered patches of mould on the end of an eye liner pencil. I can't do proper close ups with this camera, and for the sake of readers' sensibilities, it is probably a good thing, though you may just be able to make out a tell-tale pale sheen on the tip. Yes, you know those little spots of whitish mould that develop on chocolate after a while? They are like that....lots and lots of them. So many that they have started to join up and form conurbations. And they glisten in a disconcerting way. Now that I have photographed the pencil, taken one last look at the tip, and had a go at capturing this bacteriological phenomenon in words, that is it now. The offending implement is in the bin, straddling a slimy banana skin and a greasy bag that had samosas in it, so I am not tempted to fish it out, or - God forbid - attempt a smoky eye with a very special silvery glint.

A cursory rummage in my make up bag has thrown up the following items that are probably past their best. First up is a MAC eyeshadow in Green Smoke that is smashed to smithereens (which didn't stop me chasing the last few frosted particles around the dish in the Ladies at Euston station before heading to The Perfume Diaries talk...For let's face it - someone wearing a frock backwards - even deliberately - to a high profile London event isn't going to be too precious about poking some shimmering shards with a little plastic stick.) Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the sponge tip of the applicator was loose and riddled with holes: a couple of foam shreds were actually hanging off the end like bait on a fishing rod. But going back to the splinters of eyeshadow, for the record I would just like to say that I do take my car to Autoglass at the first sign of a chipped windscreen. Had I waited until the windscreen resembled my eyeshadow pot, I probably wouldn't be around to write about its shattered state and compromised visibility...

And then there is my blusher. We'll pass lightly over it, with no jokes please about "At Risk Rouge". It is in a similar state to the eyeshadow, basically. The particular shade I favour has been discontinued by L'Oreal, though I managed to buy a back up on Ebay, which I will bring onstream when the current one becomes completely unuseable, which as you can see isn't particularly imminent. Lastly, I spotted a nail polish that may have seen better days. I mean, I am not entirely sure about this - it may just need a good shake.

Okay, so I fully accept that I mistreat my make up, but even though I curate my perfumes, keeping as many as will fit in the fridge at a perfect 10 degrees, I don't buy into this whole "mascaras should be kept for six months" argument. Some people put make up in the fridge, I understand. I suppose I could see a case for mascara being popped in there during a heatwave. Or eye liner pencil after 10 years, say.

Yes, shelf life is the other thing that bugs me about the cosmetics industry. The official line is that if you don't use up your lipstick or whatever in fairly short order, it will poison you. I may be misrepresenting this slightly, but I know they don't like you keeping make up for decades. Well, of course they don't - it's that old chestnut of "built-in product obsolescence" - whereby if we chucked the stuff away more regularly, we'd end up buying more. Mind you, that doesn't necessarily hold true, for I am forever buying impulse lipsticks. I just don't throw away the ones from 1992. Or only if I have grown out of the colour. But there again, pale frosted peach could come round again. The fact that it would look ghoulishly ghastly on lips of pensionable age is beside the point. I want to keep all my options open - even the Munsterish blackcurrant shade I once wore to a Hallowe-en party to accessorise my black eye. (Mr Bonkers has asked me to point out that I was going out with my previous partner at the time. And I really did walk into a door...)

Now if The Non-Blonde happened to see this post, she would be horrified. There is a very real risk that I would be struck off her blog roll, or at the very least urged to buy a better camera. Have you seen her amazing close ups? Those lipstick swatches on forearms are the business!

To sum up, I am not proud of my shabby treatment of cosmetics. I just think that for the most part, my priorities lie elsewhere. It comes down to the fact that I can only care for one category of beauty product at a time. It is probably a good thing I don't have children.

In future I vow to be more ruthless about throwing out items of make up that have "condemned" written all over them. Or they would if they had a few more atoms of pigment left for the concerned onlooker to write with. A recent TV documentary - INSIDE THE ROTTING ROOM (link to it here) - rather put the wind up me the other day about the issue of decay generally. And although I'd like to hang on to my five year old honeycomb for now - as it comes from the B & B next to the church where Madonna's son was christened : - ) - I have just been down to make a cup of tea, and while I was there I threw away a pot of marmalade that has a funny tang, and a nearly used jar of orange curd with a suspect brown fleck on the bottom. It could well be a crumb of toast, but for once I am going to play safe.

Photos of make up are all my own - I am mortified to say! Photo of me from the family archives : - )